Reflection

What Happens When

March 15, 2012

Sometimes life makes the decisions for you that you know you needed, but could not get the nerve up to do. Life has gotten seriously busy around my world, with the new book for ROTH, the magazine launch, and all the wonderful activities that my boys are involved in as the weather turns from Winter to Spring.

We had decided to take a vacation from Colorado to California a few months back, and I had diligently set up my blog posts for the week that I was gone. I was going to make my big blog come back, finally get back into the swing of things and get this space rolling again.

We traveled to Moab, Flagstaff, and ended in the California desert. Just as we were getting out of the car, my computer bag fell out and shattered my computer. It was a big mistake, and one I had packed to avoid, but a last minute decision by my sweet husband sent the bag flying out.

Oh goodness, I was seething. All that hard work gone to waste, as I would have to wait for a replacement system. Whatever would I do?

I would take a vacation.

I unplugged, literally. I put the phone down, set the broken computer on the table and simply enjoyed the past 5 days with my family. That was a much bigger task than I thought that it would be, as I felt as though I had to overcome feelings of being behind, of being unavailable and perhaps even a bit irresponsible. However, it was a great lesson for me that there are moments that we need to remove ourselves from the world, and if we choose not to, the universe will find it’s own way.

I talk a lot about self-care in this space, but I am always in a state of having to practice to get there. I love a good life lesson, and this was no exception. The blog will always be there, I am way more important in my own head than I actually ever am in reality, and the world will not fall apart if I step away. Sometimes it is hard to admit those things, but that is the way it is, and it is always good to completely remove myself from the crazy world of technology now and then.

So I will return on Monday, those posts will go up a week late, and we will see where we go from there. For now, I wish you all a long weekend of savoring the moment you are in, and perhaps taking a few moments just for yourselves.

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I Wish I Had Known

March 6, 2012

I have been thinking lately on all the things I wish I had known 10 years ago. In my late 20′s there were so many things that I thought that I knew, I thought I had mastered, and so many aspects to life I thought would be different then how they turned out.

I sat down and journaled over the weekend about a few things I would tell myself a decade ago if I could.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, almost everything your mother ever said turned out to be true, including wearing clean underwear in case you are ever in an accident.

You will love your child so intensely that it will hurt, but you will still manage to screw him up at least once a day.

Having tons of friends seems wonderful, but it will be that close knit group of friends that you create that will help you through the toughest of moments. Choose them wisely.

You will feel like it is always easy to get into shape. It isn’t.

You actually do end up marrying your dad. Not really sure how this happens, especially when your dad tells you that you married the exact opposite of him, but some how it just ends up this way.

Being a strong and outspoken woman is so much more important than being liked by everyone. There will come a time when you have to speak up, when you have no choice, and you need to know how.

You will not be the girl in ten years that you are today. There is no possible way, and you wouldn’t want to be. The beauty of age is honestly the wisdom. You have little of it right now, but it will come. Once it does, so many of the things that you thought were important will seem trivial.

Marriage is the hardest thing that you will ever, ever do. If you marry the right person, you will want to leave at least once a week, but you will only get to the end of the driveway before you change your mind.

Find something that brings you peace; yoga, church, hiking, climbing. It has to be yours and it has to be real.

When you have kids, you will be surprised by the words that come out of your mouth. “Don’t pee on the dog”, “your brother is not a toy”, and “yes sir you do have to eat your vegetables” to name a few.

You will one day wake up and realize you are no longer in your 20′s, your life is tied down, you have not slept in 8 years, your bed is full of kids, and you can not remember the last time you showered. If you did it right, if you lived and loved for the right reasons, you won’t care one little bit.

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His First Trip Around the Sun

February 23, 2012

He is 1. My son, my babe, my love has made his first trip around the sun.

Landon, you will never know how much I love you. Putting into words how much joy you have brought to us is not possible, but hopefully you will one day hold a child of your own and know the sweetness that they bring. 

You have grown oh so much, and as you prepare to take that first step I want you to know that I never imagined just what kind of an independent, sweet, determined child you would be. Your life is full, even at just 12 months of age. You dive head first into everything you do, and your attention never wavers from what you want. 

You have the love, attention and devotion of two of the kindest souls in your brothers. They would do anything for you, and if there is one thing I am glad that I got a chance to see and experience, it is how much being big brothers has meant to them. They would guard you with their lives, and they would (and have) give you everything.

The losses that came before you were painful, but I am grateful to be holding you in my arms every night as you drift to sleep. I was one of the lucky ones, for my prayers were answered when you came into this world. I called you my healer, and you have lived up to the name. You have healed the wounds of sadness and grief in such a powerful way, and your smile reminds me that I have been more blessed than I am sure that I ever deserved.

I have so many hopes for you, many of which I will never reveal for your life is your own to make. As your mother, all that I will say is that I pray your life is filled with as much joy as you have already given. Never lose sight of who you are, never give in to fit in, but make strides in this world to stand out. Life is short my sweet boy, that you can be sure of. Live it, dream it, embrace it and hang on with all of your strength. Whatever you do, enjoy it. Whoever you love, show it, and whatever you dream, live it. 

I love you, forever.

To all of you, my dear friends, you helped bring Landon into this world with your prayers for him when times were rough. I will never forget that, you can be sure. Every comment, email, phone call I wrote down or printed out for him to see. What an amazing gift to have been lifted up in love by so many. Thank you.

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Mindfulness in Children

February 22, 2012

Mindfulness and children is a subject that has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

A few weeks back I was teaching a yoga and storytelling class to a group of 6-10 year old kiddos. As I was leaving the studio, one of the moms approached me and asked if I knew anything about mindfulness in childhood. She was genuinely concerned about her daughter’s   ability to be mindful of what was going on around her, and it was a trait she wanted to cultivate deeply in her child. We talked for a long time, we talked about journaling with her daughter, about having her be involved in community service projects that would broaden her idea of helping others, and we talked about the importance of quiet time for children to reflect on their days, and the ability for them to share space in their own minds.

When I went home that night I felt pretty good about what had been said. Mindfulness is tricky I rationalized, and I would think that it would be even more so for an 8 year old. For my own children, they had been exposed to my yoga and meditation practice for the past 8 years, so I knew that they knew how to be mindful, even if they didn’t always choose to do so.

When we got home I began preparing dinner, the conversation still fresh in my mind. I began watching my oldest son as he moved through his play, his reading, his time helping me in my kitchen.

I watched my babe, crawling around on the floor so focused on every crumb, every new treasure (onion skins, a produce sticker, etc) that he found. So intent on putting one foot in front of the other, or reaching for a new object.

I watched as Elwood magically created his own little world of magicians and wizards, capes and wands. And it hit me.

It hit me so hard that I wanted to just stop what I was doing and write for as long as I could. I wanted to document this moment and this inspiration before it faded away, but they are  8 and 6 year old boys so hunger was the priority.

I realized through watching them that mindfulness in children is not something that we can or perhaps even should teach, in the normal sense of the word at least. When I was watching my boys I realized that they are in fact, by their very nature, purely mindful. They are always in the present moment, they are always authentic in their speech, they are always mindful of their surroundings. They are not caught up in the future, they are not caught up in the past, they are here. Right here, all the time.

That is what makes childhood so incredibly unique, and what as adults, we strive to go back and remember.

There are so many examples of in-authenticity in our world. We live with it, hear it, and feel it every day. Reminding children through our own example of the values that we hold dear is important, and cultivating the space for them to learn how to keep the mindfulness of childhood alive is imperative, for one day they will begin to see that mindfulness fade as life gets in the way.

We are always told that children hold the key to life’s happiness, and it is moments like these that lesson hits home hard. We could attempt to try and teach our children how to be mindful, but I am betting that our time would be better served letting them teach us.

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Because They Need Me

January 26, 2012

Early one morning over a good cup of coffee, I was talking to Joel about why Landon had gone from being a great sleeper to nursing 6-8 times a night in the last few months. I was tired, emotional and so very ready to just throw up my hands and have myself a good old fashioned temper tantrum.

Landon was one of those babes who slept all day and night. He was the type of infant that you never ever discuss because other mothers will hunt you down and hurt you for getting as much sleep as I did in those first few months. But I was warned that he would turn, and turn he did. My sweet infant has become a wide awake baby, and my lack of sleep has begun to catch-up with me.

I had gone looking for answers everywhere I can think of: doctors, friends, lactation consultants, herbalists, etc. I wanted an answer on where my good sleeper went. I wanted to know why he is suddenly in need of nursing all night long, and if there was something wrong that I could fix.

I received wonderful answers, and crazy answers, and everything in between (one of our doctors actually tried to convince us that our then 9 month old was manipulating us.)

Then in an instant my husband brought it all home; “He just needs you, Heather. This is the part of attachment parenting that gets tough, but it is also the reason that we attachment parent in the first place. He just needs you”.

It really wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but at the same time I knew that it was exactly what was going on.  When we talk about connection, it is our children who are the biggest examples of it. They are so bound to us, so connected, and they need us to physically be there at almost every moment in their days (and nights). To know that I am Landon’s safety net, his sense of well being in the world is an honor, even though it may also be a sleep depriving honor.

As I am finding out, connection with a child changes drastically over the course of the years, and although Jacob still asks me for snuggles and love, I can tell that every day he feels safer and safer to stray away from me and into the greater world. I am proud of him for that, and I know that one day Landon will do the same, but for now he is my reminder that while I may be tired, these days will not last long, but they will hopefully be of the greatest importance in my little one’s life.

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