Early one morning over a good cup of coffee, I was talking to Joel about why Landon had gone from being a great sleeper to nursing 6-8 times a night in the last few months. I was tired, emotional and so very ready to just throw up my hands and have myself a good old fashioned temper tantrum.
Landon was one of those babes who slept all day and night. He was the type of infant that you never ever discuss because other mothers will hunt you down and hurt you for getting as much sleep as I did in those first few months. But I was warned that he would turn, and turn he did. My sweet infant has become a wide awake baby, and my lack of sleep has begun to catch-up with me.
I had gone looking for answers everywhere I can think of: doctors, friends, lactation consultants, herbalists, etc. I wanted an answer on where my good sleeper went. I wanted to know why he is suddenly in need of nursing all night long, and if there was something wrong that I could fix.
I received wonderful answers, and crazy answers, and everything in between (one of our doctors actually tried to convince us that our then 9 month old was manipulating us.)
Then in an instant my husband brought it all home; “He just needs you, Heather. This is the part of attachment parenting that gets tough, but it is also the reason that we attachment parent in the first place. He just needs you”.
It really wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but at the same time I knew that it was exactly what was going on. When we talk about connection, it is our children who are the biggest examples of it. They are so bound to us, so connected, and they need us to physically be there at almost every moment in their days (and nights). To know that I am Landon’s safety net, his sense of well being in the world is an honor, even though it may also be a sleep depriving honor.
As I am finding out, connection with a child changes drastically over the course of the years, and although Jacob still asks me for snuggles and love, I can tell that every day he feels safer and safer to stray away from me and into the greater world. I am proud of him for that, and I know that one day Landon will do the same, but for now he is my reminder that while I may be tired, these days will not last long, but they will hopefully be of the greatest importance in my little one’s life.
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I don’t know if you’ve seen this before, but I pull it out every so often, in those hours of sleep deprivation or craziness. It reminds me of why I do what I do.
The Never-Ending Parent
Sometimes it’s hard to be a good parent.
Sometimes you wonder why you’re not like others
Who make themselves the priority, who are stern and unyielding
Or who let everybody else take care of their kids.
Sometimes you envy them their time, their space,
Their full night’s sleep.
Sometimes you start doubting yourself and wondering
If you really are just crazy, being this kind of parent
In this kind of world.
Your house is noisy and full of chaos
And you wonder if it will last forever.
I have a secret. If you keep this up….
It will.
Think of it.
When you get up at 3 a.m. because your baby cries, think of the time
When he’s a teenager and calls at 3 a.m. to say he needs a ride
Instead of getting in the car with his drunk friends
Because he knows he can be honest with you and that he can count on you.
When you take the time to explain “why” for the hundredth time today
Wondering if you will ever get a moment’s peace and quiet,
Think of the days when your daughter is grown and on her own
And will still call because she loves your conversations.
When you discount all the well-meaning people who tell you to let your baby cry
And you go to him, hold him, comfort him anyway
Think ahead to the times when he’ll be a strong, secure, independent kid
And those people say “I don’t know how you were blessed with such an easy child.”
When you nurse your daughter and hold her close
Spoiling her with all that love and care, think of the time
When you’ll overhear her tell a friend
“My mom and I have always been so close.”
When the house is full of noise, mess and chaos
Think of the days when the kids are grown, and it will start all over
With your grandchildren, because your family is so bonded
That everybody still gathers at your loving home.
No, if you keep this up it will never change.
Your children will be in your life forever.
And honey, you’ll love the noise.
~ Alicia Bayer
This brought tears. A beautiful perspective; thank you.
this is beautiful, so thoughtful, and much needed. thank you for sharing.
I love this! Thank you for sharing!
Definitely something to read when I’m feeling worn out, thanks for sharing.
Heather, Thank you so much for this reminder. I, too, am in the midst of sleep deprivation. Several times a night I am playing “musical beds” between my 3yo’s bed and my own where my 9mo sleeps. Both girls are in a stage of needing Mama right now, and I struggle with consistently meeting those needs with grace. And their need for Mama affects my interaction with my older children, feeling pulled in every direction, by some more than others. But that’s my goal for this year, to meet all 5 of my children with grace, even when I’m tired and strung out, and at my wits end, because sometimes, they just need us. How true your husband’s words are.
As a mother of two beautiful, independent, intelligent, self-sufficient grown daughters, I want to let you know it is completely worth it. I look at my daughters (now 22 and 25) and think back on the years when I practiced attachment parenting. When you give them what they need now, it allows them to venture into the world with a solid base and do amazing things. It really works!
i so needed to read this this morning. thank you, thank you, thank you so much for posting this. sometimes i think we just get caught up in it all and it becomes difficult to see clearly (and w/out sleep makes it even harder).
kim
Thank you for sharing this. My experience has been similar. My little girl nurses throughout the night and while I am very tired, I also enjoy the snuggle time because before I blink she will be grown up into the next phase of her life and needing me less. Blessings to you and your little one.
Heather, my 3 1/2 year old was EXACTLY as you describe. For the first month, I had to wake her to feed her, literally. She would sleep about 22 hours a day. Up until she was about four months, she slept almost through the night.
And then. Then she started waking constantly. And she did it for a very, very long time. You don’t want to know when she started sleeping (most of the way…) through the night. She still comes to visit me at 5 AM most mornings. I remember feeling just like you are. I had felt so blessed to have a sleeper the second time around since my first one didn’t sleep for more than half an hour at a time until she was about ten months old. I had always heard that if you get a bad sleeper, you’ll get a good one next.
So suddenly, when my “good sleeper” wasn’t sleeping anymore, and I was navigating the world as a mom of a baby and toddler in a new country, I almost felt ripped off. I’ll admit–I initially felt a little resentful or desperate or like it somehow just wasn’t fair. It did take me awhile to get used to it. For the first several nights I thought it was just a freak thing, and then it clearly wasn’t.
But now in retrospect, it all somehow makes perfect sense knowing who my little girl is. I’m certain you know that feeling with your older boys, when you look back and all those things they did, even as a baby, somehow perfectly fit in with who they are as people. It’s not that I had started to do something wrong, or something somehow got “messed up” and her sleeping was ruined, or anything like that. The whole thing was just so much a part of who she is, in so many ways, and I now almost feel like the early good sleeping part was her extended stay in the cocoon.
Anyway, that was verbose. I just wanted to say that I could very much identify with everything in this post–the experience and the feeling of desperation that follows. Your husband is right–this parenting style is a lot of work! The good news is that we all know how much it pays off.
Thanks oh so much for that reminder today. I am past the baby stage, but have a 4 year old-all crazy and screaming and well…. I don’t think I need to describe more. My 9 year old still seeks us out, needs a lot of physical affection, but is able to navigate his world with check-ins. I not only want to have a temper tantrum, I have had them! Today, I need the reminder that attachment parenting doesn’t end when the sling is put away-it is a lifestyle choice-and right now, maybe he just needs me!! Thanks thanks thanks……..I so so needed that!
Love him, so cute. It is nice to be needed but I do understand friend.
Sweetie, this is so beautiful. I love the love that you and those boys share. And yes, it is exhausting, but they pay in back in spades when they shower us with hugs and kisses and laughs.
Love you so much.
Jules
That second face (sort-of-grumpy face) is the sweetest pic I’ve seen in a long time. Befuddled. Puzzled. So many possibilities and probably only his close circle knows how to read it. Congrats on capturing it! Maybe he’s on the cusp of mastering a big development hurdle, on the verge of breakthrough, and is working through it. I often find comfort in that thought when new behavior presents itself and inevitably, it comes true. Because that’s what their lives are all about, and it’s amazing to feel that you’re helping a little one move toward that discovery.
Oh dear Heather, like so many other mamas, I can relate ~ which helps sooo much, knowing we can, in fact, all relate, to varying degrees! And when you’re in the thick of it, it is so very difficult to see the dang forest! And mostly, that picture of Landon is wonderful!!!! Keep looking at that one, he is one hilarious little fella! I hope you find some rest somewhere in between everything:)
xo Jules
i love this post so much, heather. i feel the exact same way about attachment parenting–there are times when it isn’t easy, but i have always known that parenting with love and understanding is the best thing that i could possibly do for my child. there are so many messages out there in our culture that can cause a parent to doubt their own instincts (“if you nurse that child on demand, he will still be nursing when he is 13,” “if you let that child sleep in your bed, she will never want to leave,” “if you hold your child every time he cries, he will never learn to self-soothe,” “if you nurse your child to sleep, she will never be able to fall asleep on her own,” and on and on and on!), but every time that i have followed my instincts and honored my child’s needs, i have proven all of those messages wrong. you and your child know what’s best, and you are so right–this time goes by so quickly! i am sure that landon will be sleeping well again before long, and he will be able to do that because you’re giving him what he needs right now. take care!
It feels good to hear a third time mama say what this first time mama knows, but occasionally (mostly in the very early hours of the day) questions. Hope you get some sleep soon!
Heather, my 9 month old does the same. She wants to be attached all night long. She is the youngest of four, so at times it is difficult to function the next day. I have resorted to going to bed very early. All night she checks to make sure I am there.
My you find some much needed rest!
Lol, beautiful, and so true. They need us, and we’ve chosen to be needed, even though it’s sometimes so hard!
Such a great reminder about the different phases our children go through – and I do try to remind myself that their additional wants are simply what they need at that moment.
Wishing you rest though.
sleep deprivation is hard, hard stuff, but that good attitude of yours will take you far.
hope some sleep comes soon.
Yup. It’s true. And I’ll confirm, my friend, that this exhaustive-insanitey making time pays off in spades when you have an almost teenager who still seeks comfort from his parents, still wants to “hang” together….still wants to be attached (in a good way) during the transition into a wholly developed young adult. We’re seeing it with our first born now, and I’m forever grateful for the many co-sleeping years and times I thought I would DIE from sleep deprivation, knowing it cemented a safe haven bond. xo (and that being said, I’ll send sleepy vibes to Landon tonight;)).
I think I’m finally giving in to this, now that I’m on my fourth babe! I couldn’t quite understand why my other three kiddos “refused” to sleep through the night that first year of their tiny lives. I would beat myself up, over analyze and worry over every little detail. Now that my youngest is approaching 10 months old and still not sleeping through the night I actually feel at peace knowing that this is okay and only a sign that her little body and soul needs her mama! I savor the moments when I get to cuddle with her during those wee hours of the morning, feeling her tiny warm body and soft breath against my skin. What a blessing and a miracle to be treasured…it certainly doesn’t last long enough!
Isn’t it nice when you kind of find your way in the parenting jungle, come back to your own way of seeing things and realize in that a-ha moment that you had somehow strayed from your principles? Happens to me all the time. So much with caring for young ones is seen as hard times, so many things are topics that are constantly being talked about and addressed as if they need to be “solved” – sleep, nurse/bottle feed, how long you should nurse, should you always respond to crying, the list goes on….. And if you look at these things as a problem, they become just that! The good thing though is that if it does become to much to deal with, mindful parents usually figure out a respectful way to solve whatever issue they are dealing with.
I have often been a bit insecure about how I raise my kids here in Sweden, I kind of go against the mainstream to a certain degree. Even though my daughter is only a year old I often get remarks that I’m still nursing her, but I feel she (and I) is just not ready to stop. Yesterday I received such a gift from her, such a connection. She verbally asked to be nursed for the first time, and after a while she lets go, looks up at me, smiles and whispers “mamma”. I whispered her name back, and we did this for a while until she resumed nursing, and then fell asleep. It’s moments like these that strengthen me as a parent, I’m doing what is right for the both of us. As are you!
As for sleep deprivation, we are there too. My girl wakes up so many times a night, and my three year old wakes up as well. So I’m going back and forth between them and I’m sooo tired. But I know it will get better, it won’t always be this way. And when they do sleep through the night I’m sure I will miss the days of having a small, warm body snuggling up next to me.
I know it is no conciliation heather, but I do remember reading yesterday that as mothers we are all looking for that next stage. But then in a blink of an eye our babes become all grown up and how we would give anything to go back to those days when they were small. Though sleep deprivation can be he pits – I know and can completely sympathise. I guess just (maybe) take this phase for what it is and enjoy as best as you can because all too soon he will be your beautiful grown up boy.
Take care Heather and maybe set some milestones to help get you through like a day then a couple until it’s a week and a month until in a years time you can look back and think ‘phew’
Nina xxxxx
They do just need us. It can be so challenging to get out of ourselves to meet those needs while still meeting some of our own (at least the core ones). And they do change so fast, wow! I am thinking it does make them more secure in the end. My three year old still climbs into bed with us after being in her own for a while.
Here’s to you hopefully getting some more sleep when you can!
xo,
Ang
I love when our partners remind us of our own beliefs. Not only does it help the current situation, but means we are heard and working from the same side. That was so sweet of your hubby, and I’m sure provided lots of extra motivation/energy going forward.
Oh that face is precious! My girl never did , but if she pouted like Landon I’d have a hard time NOT giving in. You’re doing a wonderful job. I believe that being concerned is a good sign that you’re willing to make improvements and small adjustments when and if they’re needed.
Stay well!
Hola
First I love your blog, I had visited your blog since 2009 but always in silence.
I think your baby can’t sleep at night because he is hungry.
Thanks for your wonderful web page
blessings
Heather,
Always a JOY to come by and read about your beautiful life. My little sweet Ashton is the same way. He, too, is still waking up – every two hours or so to nurse. And my husband reminded me of the very same thing. They do need us. And so often I look into my boys eyes throughout the day and think – one day – you are going to be a man! As tired as we can get in these moments, we both know we’ll miss it when it’s gone. Big hugs to you and happy sleeping and snuggly time. Thanks for sharing.
I should be sleeping right now, but felt I had to comment here. Soren is only four months old, and in those four months, he has woken me up ALL NIGHT LONG! Last night I fell asleep at 10, and he woke me up at 1005. I think he knows when I am quiet! I didn’t get up till 8am this morning, but felt like I have been not sleeping at all! How can someone who lies in bed for 10 hours not get any sleep!! Oh, well. This too shall pass. And something else will come up.
I totally know where you are coming from.
It is true…he just needs you. My little ones are older now but we did attachment parenting and looking at it from a little farther out than you are right now, it is THE most wonderful gift you can give your child. My oldest son is 15 and still sits down next to me on the couch and puts his head on my shoulder several times a day. He is amazingly grounded, confident and capable…and still needs his Mom! Keep doing what you are doing. You are building amazing kids!
Thank you for this! My 7 1/2 month old is going through a very needy phase right now and it’s tough. I needed this today!
Hello,
I just stumbled upon your blog (we are both taking Heather’s whole foods course) and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I have a 5 month old (and a 3 year old and a 5 year old) who nurses 5 or 6 times through the night. I too am sleep deprived, but what can I do? I know that this is fleeting, and that all too soon he will be a big boy. I feel like I could never tell another soul that I nurse him through the night, because I have heard the “manipulating” theory too many times, which is ridiculous. Your post was a lovely reminder to soak up as much of this chubby, smiley, completely dependant-upon-mama-stage, that goes by all too quickly.
I just burst into tears reading this…I haven’t visited your site in nearly a year and not sure what prompted me to come back today. It must be fate. My 7 month old has started waking every 2-3 hours and I’m exhausted. But you’re right, she just needs me. I’m trying so hard but I also have a 3 year old son who needs me too, and the exhaustion is getting too much.
I had this EXACT same conversation with my husband so many years ago. I was crying, he was telling me what I already knew. They need us.
Beautiful post, heather. Hang in there. catch a nap here and there if you can muster it.
and those pictures are priceless!
It is always good to know that so many of us share the same feelings and experiences. It makes the journey a little more bareable
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