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July 2010 - Page 2 of 2 - Shivaya Naturals — Page 2

July 2010

The Joy Ride

July 2, 2010

Coming back from an absence is so much harder than I thought that it would be. I find myself stuck on how to begin, why I have been gone, and what the future holds.First though, I need to say thank you to all of you for your emails and for checking in to make sure that we are all OK. This community honestly never ceases to amaze me with how generous everyone is, and how caring.

These last two weeks (oh my goodness, has it really been that long???) have been a strange mixture of joy and fear, and they are just now beginning to settle into my psyche well enough for me to process.

Life has dealt me a new role to take on, and one that I am facing with excitement, but the transition into this new role has been a bit bumpy and has caused me to take a few days to crawl under the covers and hide just a little. I am, at this moment, going to be a mother of three children. Now I am really early in this new role (just coming into the sixth week) and by all accounts or anyone’s standards, I am a total lunatic for having just put that out into the universe, especially with my history of miscarriages. But you know what, I really don’t care because I have had my sense of hope tested these past two weeks and the lessons learned may well have changed me for good.

I am learning that hope is one thing that we can never let go of, never should let go of, and that a feeling of hopelessness leaves one with a hole so deep in their heart that it can be hard to climb out of. When I woke up late last week to discover that I was bleeding, I thought that was the end of my hope for another child. On the way to the doctor’s office everything just went numb. I was sure of what they were going to tell me, and what they would find. When the ultrasound was done, it revealed that I had a huge pocket of fluid leaking into my abdomen, and I was rushed over and admitted to the hospital for fear of bleeding internally. In all of the chaos of that moment, I barely had time to process that my blood work revealed that I was in fact still pregnant.

Just before I was admitted, my friend Missy called to check in and see how I was doing. As her words poured out I remembered a conversation just a few days back in which she asked me how I felt about the pregnancy, and I revealed that I did not want to get my hopes up. She reminded me that I was supposed to be hopeful and excited over being pregnant, that was the normal emotion, even despite all of the other miscarriages. Those words began to fill my heart back up, as I told her that I was not going to let go of this last thread of hope that this baby would make it.

And here I sit, almost six weeks pregnant, and full of hope.

I know the risks, I know the statistics, and I know the odds. It has been a rough two weeks, and I do have to admit that my emotions are drained. I also feel something new that in this journey of motherhood has never come up before; I feel as though I understand that life just simply goes on, and that if we have a sense of genuine hope, it goes on with much more ease.

I do not know what the fluid is in my abdomen. I do not know the cause, or what the outcome will be. I do not know if I will hold onto this precious life inside of me, and if I will one day hold it in my arms and whisper my love. I do know that no matter what, I will not lose hope. I will just simply keep pressing on and believing that one day the dream will come true. I also know that even if the worst happens, I will not allow the pain to consume me.

As is always the case in difficult situations, I am reminded that life really is pretty darn short, and that enjoying it and savoring every moment is about all we’ve got. For some reason these past two weeks have just brought me a desire to slow down a bit and enjoy. I find myself looking for things in my day that really bring me joy, and leaving behind the sense of speed with which life can so easily be lived. Admittedly, this only comes in tiny moments, like the joy I felt yesterday eating fresh asparagus and a farm egg for breakfast, but it is still there and I will take it whenever it shows up.

I have to admit that stepping away from this space actually reminded me how much I love it. I know that we all ask the question, at some point in this journey, of why we write a blog. I am grateful that the answer is simply that I like connecting with all of you, and I enjoy writing about the people, places and things that I find joy in. That is really about it.

So I am back to enjoy the summer, to share about how excited I am to have made the decision to home school the boys again, to return to my sewing machine and pick up my knitting needles. I am excited for the food in my garden and at the market, and for the heat of the sun that we have been blessed with this season. I am excited to hear all the same from all of you as well.

I hope that the beginning of the summer (or winter) has been wonderful, and that you are all getting ready for a great weekend. Stay safe in whatever you enjoy.