Moving Through It

October 28, 2009

I am not really sure if I should be writing this post, and I already know that the words will not come out well.

I had so hoped to share with you in a few weeks that we were expecting our third child. But yesterday we found out that I had lost the baby. I know that it was early, and that I should know better to not have gotten my hopes up as high as I did. I have had two miscarriages before each of my other children, so I knew the risks, but we had convinced ourselves that this was the one.

I am having a harder time than I thought that I would moving through this, so I am going to take a few days to allow myself to just be sad, and then I will get back up and remember how blessed I already am.

As my son said “It is life mom, it happens.”


Since Wednesdays are for WIP, this is mine. A boat neck baby sweater that I was making for the little one, that I will finish, and that someday a little one of mine will wear.

{ 109 comments… read them below or add one }

rose October 28, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Heather, I am so sorry for your loss. The dreams begin in an instant, don't they? Even when it happens early, we've already knit them into our lives and it is so painful to have to change that picture and begin waiting and wondering again. Sending you peace and light and healing…

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Allegra October 28, 2009 at 2:32 pm

oh heather. i am so sorry. take the time to be sad and remember that you are supported and loved by many.
xo allegra

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cat October 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm

i just came across your blog through the seasons nature table exchange and i am so sorry to hear about your loss. no matter how early it was, you lost someone who was just as precious as your other babes. you take all the time you need to be sad and come to terms. we lost 2 souls last year, one at 9 weeks and one at 12…it hurt the same both times. *hugs* dreams do start in an instant, as rose said….

sending you lots of love and peace….

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livingslowly October 28, 2009 at 2:56 pm

My heart aches for you. I am so truly sorry for your loss. I had hoped to hear the good news soon too. I wish I had some words that could provide you comfort now, but I think time is the only thing that can heal this pain. Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love, Michelle

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Anonymous October 28, 2009 at 3:14 pm

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost two babies. I'll be thinking of you and your family. Sharon R. in Texas

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Hannah October 28, 2009 at 3:40 pm

I know there are no words that would be just right. I am thinking of you and aching inside for your loss. Sending you peace and calm.

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Sarah October 28, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I was in tears reading your post. I've suffered 4 miscarriages of my own this last year on my journey to have my first child. I find knitting little baby items is therapeutic for me, thinking that this little item will be worn by a baby… eventually. My deepest sympathy for your incredible loss. Your whole family is in our thoughts.

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SugarMama October 28, 2009 at 3:55 pm

We are thinking of you today, love.

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KusZ - Jewelry and more October 28, 2009 at 4:22 pm

I am so so so sorry for your loss. Words won't fill the emptiness you'll probably be feeling right now, but please know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the strength and love you need right now….

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kyndale October 28, 2009 at 4:32 pm

I'm sorry Heather…I know feeling sad is the right thing right now. How heartbreaking. Thinking of you. Love, Kyndale

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perchesinthesoul October 28, 2009 at 4:32 pm

thinking of you, and wishing peace and love to you and your family

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Hilarie Mae October 28, 2009 at 4:44 pm

I am so sorry, Heather. Know that you are held in my heart as you grieve.

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Laura October 28, 2009 at 4:44 pm

Heather, I can not imagine what you are going through. Please know that you are in my thoughts, and that you are BLESSED!

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Meg October 28, 2009 at 4:46 pm

I'm so sorry. Please know that I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

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Stephanie October 28, 2009 at 4:59 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. My sister in law just went through this 2 months ago and we are all still sad, take as much time as you need and remember we will all be here for you when you return. Take care and you will be in my prayers.

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Bria October 28, 2009 at 5:02 pm

..hugs..

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saganaga October 28, 2009 at 5:18 pm

may God give you the strength to get through this difficult time

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stacyZ October 28, 2009 at 5:19 pm

My heart has been aching for you. I love you my sweet sister of the soul.

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Jennifer October 28, 2009 at 5:24 pm

So sorry Heather. May you find comfort in your family and friends during this time.

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Julia October 28, 2009 at 5:33 pm

I emailed you.

I am so sorry my friend.

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Ginny October 28, 2009 at 5:52 pm

Praying for you today. Wish I could bring you a meal.

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... October 28, 2009 at 5:57 pm

taking three deep breaths for you…sending you peace, hope, and love…praying that you will feel the strength of your circle and that it will help to support you during this sad time.
blessings~

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Lorena October 28, 2009 at 6:17 pm

my thoughts are with you and your family…..

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Its_Lily October 28, 2009 at 6:31 pm

This is what I learned – it doesn't matter where we are in the pregnancy. Once we know, we love. I am truly sorry you lost your love. No other words will suffice.

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nzgreenbuttons October 28, 2009 at 6:33 pm

My heart is with you, your son is so right what a great credit to you.

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wayfarer October 28, 2009 at 6:38 pm

It's so hard to go through this. My thoughts are with you…

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renee ~ heirloom seasons October 28, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Dear Heather, I am so sorry for your sadness and loss. I will be thinking of you and sending many thoughts of love and healing for your heart.
Renee xoxo

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Kelly and Kelly October 28, 2009 at 6:49 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Many prayers and strength being sent your way.

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Woolymama October 28, 2009 at 6:49 pm

I am so so sorry. I know your pain (3 consecutive losses after my beautiful daughter, still trying to add to our family). Please do give yourself the time and space to mourn. Big hugs to you and your family.

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nicola@which name? October 28, 2009 at 6:57 pm

oh, heather. i am so very sorry for your loss. go give those boys an extra hug. i will be thinking of you.
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

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Anonymous October 28, 2009 at 7:00 pm

I am so sorry to hear of your loss – I have had miscarriages too and the loss of love hurts every time. I'll pray for you.

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Jessica October 28, 2009 at 8:04 pm

Heather-
My heart breaks for your loss. I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
XOXO
Jessica

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annalouiza October 28, 2009 at 8:04 pm

holding out the light for you Heather. We'll set something up on our Dia de los Muertos altar in honor of your babies.

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Jennifer October 28, 2009 at 8:12 pm

Oh, Heather; I am so very sorry for you and your family's loss. I do hope and pray the God will grant you peace about this; it must be very difficult – especially sharing it with your kids. Take all the time you need to grieve, and remember to take care of yourself.

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Noell October 28, 2009 at 8:32 pm

I am so sorry Heather! I am sending you lots of hugs and hopes for the 3rd little bundle of joy very soon!

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Tabiboo October 28, 2009 at 8:32 pm

Dearest Heather –

all my heartfelt wishes go out to you and your family. I'm sending lots and lots of 'virtual' hugs. I am so very, very sorry,

lots and lots of love,

Nina xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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The WoodLand School October 28, 2009 at 8:47 pm

I'm so sorry, Heather. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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jennbenn October 28, 2009 at 8:48 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. There are never the right words to make it better, but I am thinking of you and hoping you find peace.
warmly,
jenn

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Rosamund October 28, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Heather,

I am so so sorry to hear about your baby. It is very very sad and you are right to take the time to grieve. Please know that I am thinking of you and that I wish you peace and healing.

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jenn October 28, 2009 at 8:51 pm

I am sorry for your loss, there really aren't any words to make it better. I am hoping your find your peace and soon will have another little babe in your arms.
Warmly,
Jenn

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Rosamund October 28, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Heather,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. It is very sad and you are right to take the time to grieve. Please know that I am thinking of you and that I am wishing you peace and healing.

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Wendi October 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm

Love and Peace to you and your family.

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Ali October 28, 2009 at 9:23 pm

I have never met you but I just shed tears for you. So many of us understand what you are going through and I am sending my love. It is times like this that I wish i did know you personally so I could come round with soup and a card. Please imagine I have instead.

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Anonymous October 28, 2009 at 9:32 pm

So sorry to hear that, lots of love to you, your husband and the kids, but especially to you. We can never , ever take anything for granted, that's what it is, but keep hoping for the best…Much love and deserved rest,
Francesca

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Inoureyes October 28, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Hugs!
Do let yourself be sad.
Give yourself that much at the least.
Thinking of you, Melissa

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april October 28, 2009 at 9:35 pm

dear heather. thank you for your words. i know how it feels..i am thinking of you and your family. you are a wonderful woman. and i give a big hug to your heart and send you sunlight and love*

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At Home Mommy Knits October 28, 2009 at 9:39 pm

I am so very sorry.

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onedeepdrawer October 28, 2009 at 9:39 pm

peace keep you in these hard days.

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tosca October 28, 2009 at 10:19 pm

I am sorry for your loss and am holding you in light and love.

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Anonymous October 28, 2009 at 10:32 pm

I am sorry for your loss. I too have been struggling with wanting more babies. My two boys are about the same age as yours and I would love to have more. I have lost two this past year with complications that may prevent me from having more. You are such a wonderful mother and your blog is such a blessing. Please don't don't give up hope. Many thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Anonymous October 28, 2009 at 10:35 pm

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers are with you… Thank you for letting us all in our your life and sharing. Bridget (Waterloo, Canada)

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Valerie October 28, 2009 at 11:11 pm

I'm so sorry to hear this.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
We've been there (both fertility probs & early miscarraige) too.
May you have a successful pregnancy & finish the sweater real soon
hugs from France

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MHT October 28, 2009 at 11:33 pm

I have been folloing your wonderful blog – especiall for the kntting comments – but enjoying all the other paths you travel too. I was so sorry to read your post about your loss. I have been pregnant seven times and have four wonderful children. I can certainly empathize with how you are feeling. Treat yourself gently. Life unwinds in the way it should even though it is sometimes difficult to understand why certain things happen. You will carry all your children in your heart forever. Your wonderful boys (big and little) will see you through!

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the nest October 28, 2009 at 11:56 pm

Heartbreaking news. I am so sorry. Peaceful and comforting wishes to you and yours.

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Sarah October 29, 2009 at 12:42 am

Your wonderful blog has bolstered me through ups and downs and I hope you can feel the virtual hug from all of us through this difficult time. So sorry.

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Adrie Lester October 29, 2009 at 12:51 am

THis brought tears to my eyes. What a strong woman you are Heather, to continue through so many losses. Blessings to you and yours.

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larissa October 29, 2009 at 1:22 am

Heather, I am so very sorry. Don't feel you have to apologize for taking this hard. I had three miscarriages before i became pregnant with abigail and I took them harder than i thought i would. at one point greg took the boys outside to play for an hour and i spent the entire time sitting on the sofa, just staring. i know it takes time. you are in my thoughts and prayers – please remember to take care of yourself at this time.

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sufi October 29, 2009 at 1:31 am

very, very, very much love to you and yours…

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Imogen October 29, 2009 at 2:09 am

So sorry to hear your sad news – take your time, and I am sure that your sweater will get worn.

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Olivia October 29, 2009 at 2:20 am

I am terribly sorry for your loss. You are an amazing, strong woman to share such intimate thoughts with us. Take care.

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sunnymama October 29, 2009 at 2:21 am

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family. xx

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gardenmama October 29, 2009 at 2:29 am

My heart is heavy and breaks for the deep loss that you are experiencing Heather. Many warm wishes of comfort and peace to you and your family and the strength to gently move through your days. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.

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Green Acres in the City October 29, 2009 at 2:41 am

My thoughts are with you!

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Eva October 29, 2009 at 2:47 am

My heart goes out to you & your family.

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PAT JARVIS October 29, 2009 at 2:57 am

HELLO HEATHER — oh do, so take all the time you need– after I had the same experience , and was telling myself to get it together , a very wise and kind socialworker , a
co -worker told me, the grieving process takes 6 months

– when you want another child so much, and love the ones you have ,its natural to begin the bonding the minute you know– so then experience loss

– my thoughts and well wishes are with you and your family

– your blog is always filled with such love and caring , that I feel a little part of your world

————-hugs and warm wishes —-pat—[ toronto ont]

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Meryl October 29, 2009 at 3:19 am

Lots of hugs…and I hope that once you've had the time you need, you'll keep right on hoping and knitting that beautiful, tiny sweater.

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Spinning Jenny October 29, 2009 at 3:33 am

I am holding you in the light–breathing warmth from this circle of women who are keeping you in healing thoughts.

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Sew Impatient October 29, 2009 at 3:36 am

I'm not really sure what to say, except that I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I wish I could give you a hug.

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gold fawn October 29, 2009 at 6:05 am

oh Heather. So sorry for you and your family. Sending you love. I know it's not an easy time… much love xo Mindy

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Kristyn Knits October 29, 2009 at 7:08 am

thinking of and praying for you today! take good care of yourself. many blessings to you.

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bellabreebriar October 29, 2009 at 9:27 am

am so sorry this wee one had to leave, you are among friends in your sorrow, and we share it with you.
Bless you …

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6p0105362da902970c October 29, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Heather, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been there. Take your time……. we'll bee here when you're ready to come back…….. best to you.

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Naturalearthfarm October 29, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Oh, Heather, I share some tears with you this morning and know that you, the little one and your family are being held in the Light – in my prayers.

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eesh October 29, 2009 at 2:07 pm

*Hugs* to you Heather, I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need.

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Kayla October 29, 2009 at 3:26 pm

My prayers are with you, Heather.

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valariebudayr October 29, 2009 at 5:09 pm

Bless your Heart Heather. It is so sad and I'm thinking of you. The hope that you planted by knitting that sweater and by nurturing two little boys who are going to make great big brothers remains and will keep your dream alive. It does take time and you are wise to know this. Just remember that this time will pass and your hope is always there. Big hugs and kisses to you.

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6p0120a64491c3970c October 29, 2009 at 6:07 pm

thanks you for sharing this- i know how difficult it is to share such a large part of your heart to an entire community and I just want you to know that i appreciate it so much. sending you much love and strength…

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Wendy K October 29, 2009 at 6:24 pm

We're sending our love your way, and when you are blessed with another child, he or she will be one of the three luckiest children in the world. Hang in there and take all the time you need to grieve, we'll all be here for you.

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stitching under oaks October 29, 2009 at 6:31 pm

wow…scrolling down to get to the end of all these comments just shows the love that everyone has for you and their concern for your loss. I'll be praying for you as you walk on. Wish I could give you a hug…know that you're loved and being lifted up in prayer.

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Missy October 29, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Oh Heather! :( Sending love….. <3

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Malgorzata October 29, 2009 at 9:54 pm

thinking about you
so sorry

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Brooke October 29, 2009 at 11:34 pm

Heather and family,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. This is probably a really rough road that you have already traveled, but it is still just as rough. May you all handle it with ease and understanding.
I can't imagine what a hard post this was to write. I was tearing up reading it :)

Brooke

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Peace Mama October 29, 2009 at 11:39 pm

Oh, love, I am so sorry for you. Thank you for sharing with us. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

gretchen

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Lina October 29, 2009 at 11:49 pm

Oh Heather, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Take good care of yourself. Lina x

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Steph October 30, 2009 at 1:46 am

I'm so sorry for your loss.

((((hugs))))

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kim October 30, 2009 at 1:47 am

heather, i just wanted to send a shout out that you are in my thoughts and hope you will feel the hugs that flow on our earthly plane! much love :) kim

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Julia Bain October 30, 2009 at 1:47 am

Heather,

I too am sorry to hear of your heartbreak, once there is hope, there is love, so it is only right and natural for you to grieve your loss. Where these two things are found, there is also Faith, so do have faith that your heart will know the joy of new life again!

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Maribeth October 30, 2009 at 2:03 am

I am so sorry. In my work as a midwife I have come to find that a woman becomes a mother that moment she realizes she is carrying a child. So the loss is so tied to the heart. Blessings and healing to you and your husband.

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Sigrun October 30, 2009 at 3:12 am

I echo all the loving, caring words that have already been sent to you. You and your family are in my prayers.

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Jennifer Frey October 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Dear Heather,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have experienced the pain of losing a tiny one too–it is very heartbreaking. You are in my prayers.

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Anonymous October 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm

Remember there are no mistakes or accidents in life…all that happens is meant to happen. Something tells me a daughter is waiting for you…for her time to arrive…I send strength and hope your way.

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Julia October 30, 2009 at 11:37 pm

I miss you.

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cagio October 30, 2009 at 11:54 pm

Heather – My heart goes out to you. I am sorry to hear of your loss.

A couple of weeks ago, you sent me a very kind email which meant so much to me. I pretty much think you're fabulous so the complement sent me skipping away from the computer. The next day my computer crashed and I never got to say thank you.

Today I snuck some time on my mom's computer and saw this. I believe you live your life with such beauty and I think it's even beautiful that you shared this with us. I too have miscarried and then was fortunate to have my son. I wish you much healing and blessings for the future. I am sorry you had to go through this and so many times. Thank you for sharing. Courtney

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B.E. Stevens October 31, 2009 at 12:17 am

Heather,
I just want to send you a hug, and let you know how much your kindness has meant to me. I am so sorry for your loss.

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kyndale October 31, 2009 at 1:07 am

Hey Heather, still thinking about you! Kyndale

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Francesca October 31, 2009 at 9:51 am

Hi, I followed a link from Nicola @ which name, and thought I'd leave a comment to say how sorry I am, I know how devastating and heartbreaking pregnancy loss can be.

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Geek+Nerd October 31, 2009 at 11:39 am

Oh Heather! We lost our first (and only, it's been four years and we haven't had the guts to try again) little boy at 35 weeks and the special sort of pain that comes with losing a baby is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, never mind a (blog) friend. I am thinking of you today – sending you an enormous hug!

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ann October 31, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Just returned from my trip to Savannah. So very sorry to hear your news, be brave and I am thinking of you and your family at this time.
Take care.

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kaylovesvintage October 31, 2009 at 9:24 pm

Heather,I'm so sorry to hear that, thinking of you

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kendra October 31, 2009 at 10:59 pm

i'm sorry, heather! s/he will be back.

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Farmama November 1, 2009 at 7:03 pm

I'm so very sorry!!!

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willowluna November 1, 2009 at 7:51 pm

No words can express my sympathy. May you and your family find peace.

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Grace November 2, 2009 at 4:41 pm

Ah, so much love to you, your husband, the boys. Take care of yourself. (I know this pain ever too well.)

xo

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lilpixie November 4, 2009 at 8:26 am

It was so hard to process this post. A mama as beautiful and amazing as you are should never have to suffer such a loss. The love and creativity you inspire in your family is an inspiration to me and my heart is aching for you. I am truly, truly sorry for your loss.

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eringoodman November 6, 2009 at 12:51 am

thinking of you and sending love and healing…

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living la vida buena November 6, 2009 at 6:09 pm

so very sorry for your loss. It is never "too early" for it to be important and meaningful to you, a baby at any stage is a life and surely impacts your family and your emotions. I lost 4 before having my son so I know the ups and downs you go through. Please take time for yourself to grieve the way you want and know we are here gently supporting you through your blog. You are such a lovely woman filled with peace and grace, may that guide you during this time.

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quirkygranolagirl November 11, 2009 at 6:03 am

Heather, I am so sorry for your loss. I had two losses before my boy and my heart goes out to you. Most times I feel like I've totally let that pain go, and then I read a post like yours and it feels fresh again. I guess it never fully goes away. Last time I spent a week outside, watching the spring bulbs come up and ripping out and redoing a brick garden path. I can't imagine caring for other children when going through that grief. I guess children have their own way of distracting you and keeping you in the present. Sending big hugs your way and wishing you peace.

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Mama Ruck December 4, 2009 at 6:27 am

I wish you peace and healing and I am sending you love.

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Journeying Five December 4, 2009 at 6:53 am

Such a hard place to be though. After my second miscarriage I needed time to heal and have space. Hopefully you can find that and still feel the love from the family around.

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