Do you ever have one of those moments that you wish you could bottle up and save forever? I think that I had one of those yesterday. After a long day of working on the TNNA yarn project, I went to pick-up my children from my parents house down the street. My youngest son was having a ball, and my oldest was finding his way towards a serious mid-evening meltdown. My husband was out with friends for the night, so I was about to face what was looking to be a long, drawn out evening with the babes. Just as we were leaving, my youngest asked if he could stay with his Grammie. I have to admit that I was a little crushed. I am so glad that my kids love their Grammie and Papa as much as they do, and that Grammie and Papa love them as much in return. Having said that, this is my baby. Was he really OK to stay with out me through the entire night? Wouldn’t he miss me anywhere near as I would miss him?
I decided not to act like the needy mother I was feeling like and I gathered up my oldest son and we headed home. Jake is a very sensitive child, and he was devastated that he would not have “his” Elwood with him through the night. On the way back to our house, something shifted and Jacob got a smile on his face and said, quite boldly, “Mama, we can have as much fun together as they are going to have”. Some of the sadness I was feeling immediately disappeared and I turned the car around and headed to the store to get what we needed to make a special meal.
Jacob and I fixed a great dinner together, and then did something we have never done before; we headed downstairs to watch a movie and eat our dinner together. When our movie was done we came back up and played at least 8 games of Candyland and put three puzzles together. It was nearing bed time, and I suggested that we head in and read some books before we turned the lights out. Jacob would hear nothing of it. “This is the most special night ever mom, and I want to keep going”. Something in the way that he said that made me realize that Jacob was feeling a bit disconnected from me lately. He has mentioned, more than a few times recently, that I work all the time, and that I do not have time for them anymore. That is so hard to hear, and I have been trying to balance my time better, but the store has taken a great deal of my energy and focus away as of late.
I decided to let us keep going until the kid just passed out. Jake disappeared into his art closet, and he came out with a bundle of random art supplies and suggested that we make gifts for each other. We each sat in separate corners of the kitchen, creating a special surprise for the other, and wrapping it up tightly. To be honest, I had no idea that my 5 year old son could A) wrap a gift as well as he can, and B) tie a knot like he does (does this make me a bad mother that I have not even had the time to pay attention to these types of things lately?
After an hour of creating, we opened our surprises. Jacob had made me a bracelet with beads and a ribbon and I had made him a new crown for his dress-up time. We had also both decorated the first letter of each other’s name (his being a J, and mine being an M for mama, which was actually an upside down E). He promptly told me that the ribbon on my bracelet was there to make sure that our hearts were always connected to one another. OK, stop right there. I am now officially crying all over the place, feeling like an absent mother with a thriving yarn store, and a sad little boy. We sat there, for a long time, saying nothing, but simply soaking in the silence. For five years old, he is really perceptive. Finally, a little before 11, I picked him up and we headed in to fall asleep (and listen to the ridiculously howling wind outside).
As we approach the New Year, I realize that it is important for me to find a balance that allows me to run my business without giving up the way I want to live my life with my family. I know that there is a way to do both, and I know that I just need to set some limits and goals for myself, and simply stick to them. I do not want to miss a moment of their young lives, I know that it will fly by in an instant. I also want to continue to be a success with Shivaya, and I want to watch that grow and flourish. Like I said, I know that there has to be a way to do both.
For now, I am just simply grateful for a moment as special as the one I experienced last night. I thought it would be so sad to not have my youngest with me, but instead, it turned out to be an opening for my oldest and I. It is something that I will never forget.
Happy Almost New Year
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